Please be warned that this one is a bit deep. It ain't gots no humor in it. It's me venting and being a bit self-pitying. I'm not generally very open with my feelings, but I'm told that's what this blog crap is for, so here goes.
We all have friends. We have new friends. We have old friends. We have close friends. We have casual acquintances. [Why do I picture a "casual" acquaintance wearing khakis and a golf shirt?] We have friends we can never see enough of. We have friends with whom catching up once every 3 years for an hour is perfect. We thrive on friends.
For pretty much all of my life I have been very self-sheltering. I have always kept people at arm's length. The general group of people around me are at the end of my fingertips. A handful (no pun intended) are allowed inside the fingertips, but no closer than my forearms - almost to my elbows. And several, only several, make it up to my shoulders. They are the ones considered my close friends. A very, very, very select few are embraced and pulled into my heart.
"Why are you so stand-offish and selective?" I'm not sure I know why. I suppose that more than anything else, it is either a hatred or a fear; likely both. What the hell does that mean? It is a hatred of being misled (whether intentional or not) into believing that someone is close to you, supports you, loves you, and will always be there for you - and then, with a gentle change in the breeze, they're gone; it's that and/or the fear of that happening.
Multi-millionaire and motivational speaker Jim Rohn (now deceased) talked about recruiting people into a business. I adapted his story into how people (and friends) are in general. It is taken from a parable in the Bible. I very loosely relate it as follows:
The sower sows his seeds. And the seeds fall onto differing types of soil. Some of the seeds fall on dry, flat ground and are quickly eaten by the birds. They simply go away, never a chance to grow or take root.
Some of the seeds fall onto rocky ground, and though they begin to grow up through the rocks, they are thin and frail and quickly dry out in the sun and die.
Some of the seeds fall onto ground that is covered in thorns. They begin to grow and partially flourish, but become entangled in the thorns and are choked until they eventually die.
But some of the seeds fall onto good ground that is rich and fertile. These seeds, though few, grow big and full and, with good tending of the sower, have an abundant harvest.
That is exactly how I see friends.
The definition of Loyalty is : the quality or state of being loyal - which is : unswerving in allegiance
To have those friends whom I allow to be at the shoulders or closer, is to have the ones with whom I share the truest sense of friendship - Loyalty. There is a not-so-old saying that heralds, "A good friend will bail you out of jail. A close friend is sitting beside you." Now not that I've been in a jail (in fact never in my life), but I know exactly what that means and what that feels like. I have some of the most loyal, close friends anyone could hope to have. [I want very much to name them, but I don't want to alienate anyone else! Those folks know who they are.] And at any instant, they know where my loyalty lies. I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the history of this universe and several others to have the close, loyal friends I enjoy.
But...
Loyalty is also the one thing that has hurt me more than any other thing on the planet. Not long ago, I was given the undesired opportunity to know what it feels like when someone who has been allowed to be that close; someone to whom I have been deeply loyal, turns on you like a lion that has been kept as a pet. One of my most loyal friends, Ralph once said to me, "Man, most people are only your friends while it's convenient." I always poo-pooed that sentiment as being a bit too cynical. He was right, I was wrong. I allowed someone to get too close. Someone who had not proven themself like Mark or Ralph or a few others. And for that, I paid dearly.
It will never happen again. I will never again allow someone to get that close. Those who are there now will be the last. One of my (many) faults is that I tend to make the actions of the few govern the laws of the many. It may not be fair, but that's the way it is. It will be a long, slow, careful process before someone gets in again.
"If that no-good SOB is out of that circle now, why are you writing this?" Maybe, and I can only hope, one day that no-good SOB will find his way here and will read this and know that I'm talking about him. He stripped a lot of things from me, but he will never take my close, loyal friends... and I will be better for it. My wife is the smartest person I know (she married ME, didn't she?!), she says, "That will be between him and God." And I believe her. And because I can believe that, I can get over it. And my close, loyal friends will help me.
Sorry to be kinda dark. I'll try to be funny next time.
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Well said my friend.
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