...About Glitter

In my lifetime, I would really appreciate the opportunity to meet the guy who invented glitter. Holidays are made more festive; Birthday cards are more appealing; toys for small children are more eye-catching; Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without glitter-covered candles, and wrapping paper, and cards, and garland, and what-nots, and things, and stuff, and everydamnthing you ever owned. EVERY.DAMN.THING.YOU.EVER.OWNED!  Covered, I mean absolutely COVERED in damn glitter. And I'm not talking rhinestone kinda glitter. I'm talking glitter the size of an amoeba! The tiniest particles known to exist in the great and vast universe in which we carry on this meager happenstance we call "life."  (That's pretty good, huh?)

I am married to the greatest woman I could hope to find. She is vastly talented. She can use post hole diggers and set 8' 4x4s perfectly straight and plum in concrete, vacuum the pool, build a pantry in the kitchen, make a wedding cake from scratch that is to die for, wash a load of clothes, and make a perfect souffle -- all before lunch! She can take 2 bobby pins and some double-sided carpet tape and make a pot roast! We looked at replacing the Formica counter tops in the bathrooms with granite. HA! $$Cha-Ching$$!  She added moulding to the fronts and did a faux painting job that looks so close to marble, that my buddy put his nose on it trying to see the difference. It is really beautiful.   But... I digress!!

Man, when she decorates the house for the holidays, it is a magnificent work of art! And guess what one of the main ingredients would be. You guessed it - ANYTHING smathered with glitter. Oh, it's a beautiful thing to see, don't get me wrong.  Let me put it this way...... She decided to take it all down and store it; it's time. Today, I stopped her at a point and said, "Here, honey, let me have that vacuum, and I'll do that for you. You can move on to something else. I got this."  [*ahem*]  WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??!!"  All she decorated this year (with the house for sale) was the mantle over the fireplace. I have worked for almost an hour trying to get all the glitter cleaned up. [I say "have worked" because I'm not finished yet - I was so aggravated, I stopped to write this blog!!] Every time you move the slightest amount, the light catches another crystal of red, or green, or blue, or clear. BAM! Hit that thing with the vacuum head! "Die, you gravy-sucking pig!"  I caught myself bobbing and weaving like Muhammad Ali trying to hit the light just right to see the next one. This may take forever.

I say that I'd like to meet the guy who invented glitter. Read that as, "I'd like to punch the guy who invented glitter in the schnozola!" I would just about bet that he was Chinese. I don't mean that in an ugly way. Everything we have now was made in China. I think it is the great plan the Chinese have for taking over the world! When they have everything ready, they will wait until about the first weekend in January and make their attack. They know that every male will be doing the right thing by helping their "other" clean the glitter. Chinese glitter. We will all be so aggravated and woozy-eyed that we'll never see them coming. Attack complete, take-over accomplished, and not a shot fired!

I think what I'm gonna do is mandate to my wife that she can NEVER AGAIN use anything with glitter. 

As my buddy Mark says, "Yeah, OK, Paul. Let me know how that works out for you." 

Uh, oh. Here she comes. I gotta go. 

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